He truly is a man’s man.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
A joke without a punchline is like
No text found
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?