He was ahead of his time
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
The (mis)information superhighway
The (mis)information superhighway
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
I’m sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32