He was planning on making a clowder chowder
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Bold to assume
to assume
I hate that clown from IT.
Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.