Healthy, Schmealthy …
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
