Heaven and Hell
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”