Heavy metal band
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing