Heh.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.