Hehe sex
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.” Peter was interested, second guy go. “I was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.” Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. “I was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said “Quick hide in the fridge!”
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.