hehe wife bad driver! i beat wife!!!
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
Three disabled stranded men
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.