hehehe it’s a gun
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
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It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.