Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Since she can't even beat an egg
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Fine. Suit yourself
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
He couldn’t see that well.
I'd have to change my name
"You know, one would have been enough."
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Repairs will be futile.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
But I was immediately fired.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
It makes my day
I avoid meet
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
She discriminates against other cultures.
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Because it's made of hide
Because they’re two tired
It was actually an apple.
Because she wanted to make her mind.