Hell yeah!
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
How do you avoid clickbait?
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If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon
They arrived safe and sound
People are going crazy from being in isolation!
Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn’t that pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and then…. The curtains told me to pull myself together!
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
Four Men Went Golfing Together
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
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