It's not like it's the end of the world
I noticed some real change in him
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
A sale boat.
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
Because he was too far out
She got a second wind.
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
She really wanted a daughter.
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
I have a father figure.
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
and I've already got a friend in me.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
It was bread in captivity.
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.” A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, “What the f… are you doing?” The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
Well, well, well…
I was fired immediately.
She has the world worst stutter.
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
He orders a bear.
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
From a well, actually.
By using remorse code.
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.