Hello
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
My 2.5 year old told his first dad joke.
While traveling to a cookout at my dads house, my wife (W) was working through the alphabet with my son (s) Letter “I”: W: “ I is for….. iguana” S: “iguana…. iguana go outside.” W: looks at me. I look at him. S: (in his best dad style, cheesy laugh) “ha, ha.” He had no idea what he said. But gosh we got a kick out of it.
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle??
A polar bear
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish