Hello darkness my old friend.
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber?
Lycan Subscribe