Hello Hungary I’m dad
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?
Something inside me says yes.
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
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My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I’m selling my dead batteries.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.