Hello My Name Is.
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.