Hello to everyone on Reddit my goal is to hit 1,000 subscribers on youtube if you enjoy watching public interviews and other funny videos help me reach my goal to 1,000 subscribers thank you.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane…
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….