# Hello, we’re here for the extermination of fascism.

## A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."

## When is a door not a door?

When it’s ajar.

## There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

## What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

## A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"

## I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a Mathmachicken.

## I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

## I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.

I'll let you know…

## A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.

Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.

## Some lettuce is better than others

It shall romaine nameless.

## A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes

## I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.

## A bunch of electricians threw a party

It was lit

## A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"

## Little Johnny

One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.

## Why did the coffee go to the police?

It got mugged.

## Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls

but they keep ending up in the gutter.

## My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.

He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.

## Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all.

## My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.

## A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar…

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face. "Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man. "That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man. "But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man. So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man. "Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man. "It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man. "What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man. "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

## You know the thing about holy water

I don't see the use of water with holes

## A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!

## I have a few jokes about unemployed people

but none of them seem to work.

## Dad jokes meet dog jokes

Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.