I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers…
… and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them. "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!" Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please." The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please." They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on. "That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!" After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them… and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all! "What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train." On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please." All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
What happens when you go from a twin size bed to a queen size bed?
you would have more bed room but less bedroom
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.