My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
I love you, VS, but this gets really annoying after a while.
sHarE iF yOU diD tOo!
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
That’s what table salt is
At the White House today…
Idk id this goes here…
All the rich do is scaremonger
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
Well color me surprised /s
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
I won the costume contest at my school.
Show me the lie.
Software developments step 0: search for existing solutions
who wrote this shite?
Republican narcissism at it again
The people at the bottom are the economy
Glad you are loving ur kids Karen
At least I’m safe inside my mind
Found this in my math textbook
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
An interesting title
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”
Not necessarily…. 🤷♀️
If Only This Were a 3-Hour Tour
Purity is important
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
Extra ketchup pls
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
Not American politics, what a nice change
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
republicans finally will get their wall 🤣
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
It had Corolla virus
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
You can’t be that dumb, right?
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Not the usual medium for this kind of joke but…
I feel this in my soul
The mind of a Trump supporter.
How programmers looked at corona
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
The greatest thing ever
found in my psychology textbook
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.