Hello, yes I would like to claim my free karma
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? He’s not even white! Mayo: [neighs]
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality RUSSIAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdeiH5XiNwA
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
It all
No text found
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross…
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
