Help! Clever Team Name for Legal Group!
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
With a sea saw
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
…does it still count as a shock?
My wife hit the roof
Holding cows together
I can tell just by looking at them.
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
They go too far above your head.
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
But they'll recoup.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
but it was just my imagine Asian.
Because 6, 7 8…
he came running jk rowling
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
No text found
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.