Help! I’m in urgent need of a piss pun to reply to this message
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
