Help me!!
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down π
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90βs vernacular
No text found
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies βare you really going to need 3?β The young lad says βyeah, Iβve got a meal at my girlfriendβs place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so Iβm gonna smash all three of them, theyβre really sexy!β The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says βlucky you!β Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says βI didnβt know you were religious.β The young lad replies βI didnβt know your dad was a pharmacist!β
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.