Help me stack overflow
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
If you take something, thatās one thing
If you take something else, thatās another thing
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I didnāt eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far Iāve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, āOh pun the door!ā
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally Iām on the fence.
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
What sort of music does bubble wrap not like?
POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP
I got an email that said “You have won Ā£36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
Whatās the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
nothing tops a plain hotdog
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