Help out puns!
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.