My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
Buss😩😩😩
Buss😩😩😩
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.