Henry is no dummy

Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas it costs $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
What does a house wear?
Address
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.