Her bio said her “nips don’t lie.”

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Beam-Boozled

No seriously, it is

Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."

Gimli laughs and walks under it

they called it a day

"Alpaca lunch for you”

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. ​ Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"

He slept all through math.

Apple juice

Subordinate clauses.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently

Clickbait

He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”

All the fans left

Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

The difference is staggering.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell

…need to take a good long look at themselves.

It was a queso mistaken identity.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"

And lesbians should not scissor with the runs

I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

I have contacts.

Edit: *2020