Her bio said her “nips don’t lie.”
No strings attached.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
He always finds them funny
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
It must be in Airplane! mode.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
…but I am 22 to say it
I was in solitaire confinement.
No text found
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
But on the plus side it still works.
Business is really surgeon.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen." The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts." His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those." "I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son. "Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."