Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".
I just finished a documentary on beavers
Best dam movie I've ever seen.