Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
My wife told me vacation sex was the best…
Worst postcard ever.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The urge to sing “the lion sleeps tonight” may come any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
The Colonel and the Comet
COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS OFFICERS: "TOMORROW EVENING AT APPROXIMATELY 2000 HOURS HALLEY'S COMET WILL BE VISIBLE IN THIS AREA. AN EVENT WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS. HAVE THE MEN FALL OUT IN THE BATTALION AREA IN FATIGUES AND I WILL EXPLAIN THIS RARE PHENOMENON TO THEM. IN CASE OF RAIN. WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING, SO ASSEMBLE THE MEN IN THE THEATER AND I WILL SHOW THEM FILMS OF IT." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL, TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR ABOVE THE BATTALION AREA. IF IT RAINS, FALL THE MEN OUT IN FATIGUES, THEN MARCH TO THE THEATER WHERE THIS RARE PHENOMENON WILL TAKE PLACE, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL IN FATIGUES AT 2000 HOURS TOMORROW EVENING, THE PHENONOMENAL HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER. IN CASE OF RAIN, IN THE BATTALION AREA, THE COLONEL WILL GIVE ANOTHER ORDER, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." LEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, THE COLONEL WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER WITH HALLEY'S COMET, SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENS EVERY 75 YEARS. IF IT RAINS, THE COLONEL WILL ORDER THE COMET INTO THE BATTALION AREA." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "WHEN IT RAINS TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS. THE PHENOMENAL 75 YEAR OLD GENERAL HALLEY, ACCOMPANIED BY THE COLONEL, WILL DRIVE HIS COMET THROUGH THE BATTALION AREA THEATER IN FATIGUES."
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.