Hercules, death from above
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
The (mis)information superhighway
The (mis)information superhighway
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.
Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello
https://ift.tt/3dek1hh
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"