Because is was a stable career
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
Stop school shootings
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
I had plenty of time to kill.
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
Because they have anty bodies.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
They both go broom broom
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
I still do, but I used to too
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
So I packed up my stuff and right.
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
"Username checks out"
He's all right now.
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.