Here I fixed it - Joke Jet

I nearly get a panic attack when offered haggis or chitlins

I have a friend, Celine, from China. She is beautiful but so fragile.

Poor Celine.

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?

It's morphine time.

I don’t know what it is about the straight response but I find it hilarious

https://ift.tt/2OntsA8

What do you call a girl that sets fires to loan papers?

Bernadette

Quarantine club has me stuck at home stroking my weiner all day.. don’t mean to brag but he’s 15 inches long and a woman pleaser 😏

What do you after an Apple turns bad?

You open windows.

I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…

It means a lot to them…

I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

A college economics professor was up for tenure…

At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."

NSFW.. PANTIES for sale..

https://ift.tt/2UO97aR

My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…

Ah well..back to it I suppose

Just why. Why why why why why why why…

https://ift.tt/2wHdo6I

This guy should be the face of this subreddit

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Found one on Instagram

https://ift.tt/38KSUIe

Register to Vote

https://ift.tt/1MlDUlj

First signs of spring…

A girl reached into my pants today and said

I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.

A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.

I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”

Don’t touch it

https://ift.tt/39rDVn7

“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”