Here I fixed it
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
No text found
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
