Here we go again

A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.

I can tell just by looking at them.

0K boomer

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

I can Nazi

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

He said "I see you and I raise you."

The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"

They checked our ratings. One star.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

I don't see anything funny there.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…

You've probably never heard of herbivore

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.

Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.

A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

He was right. International shipping takes a few days.

A karmadillo.

Geralt of Trivia

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”

Moses. He could control sea.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A vicious circle.

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful. When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?" He replied "Yes, I do". Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers…I uh…uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me. The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils. This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied. The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t". The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door." The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against. The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!" All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole. A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle. The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!! The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box! And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still. Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!" The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful." He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot. The wife: "What the he….hey….ooooo…mmm…oh…my…god…!!!!" She is shaking on the couch. The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!. She is too busy biting her lips to respond. Three hours pass. Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move. She panics. She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off! With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out. 12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently. Officer…oh…ahh…see…uh..my husband bought this….voodoo dick…for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh…….ahh…he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends…and I can't…get a hold..of him. The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face. He bursts out laughing. "Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"

I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.

Hermione: Emma Watson?

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

Name under sign: N. Vitamin

Lime disease

Because people are losing their shit.

Because he spends years at C!

Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!