Here we go again..
A man took his six year old girl to the office
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
I for one like Roman numerals.
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Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
