The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
Bang bang
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
German sausage is the wurst.
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Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.