Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favourite Disney movie?
It’s fucking Frozen
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor
He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people. He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence. The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive. Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor. So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people. He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence. He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out. So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution." They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer? "Well really im just not a good conductor." Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down