Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.