Here’s a collection of boomer Christmas cards for you guys this jolly season
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.