What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.