Here’s a good one by Adam Zyglis
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.