# Here’s a REAL president, not like the impostor we have now…

## Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)

## What are the working hours for stay at home parents of little boys?

Son up to son down.

## I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”

## My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…

but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.

## I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…

I don’t even touch it

## Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made

## Hey, fork you.

I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.

## How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

## A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!

"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"

## A man made a mistake in an elevator.

He was wrong on many levels.

## I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…

He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."

## Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

## At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

## What do you call a soldier that’s survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

## What’s the opposite of urine?

I'm out

## Two women were playing golf

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

## On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?

Ewocs away

## A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.

She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".

## When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

## There was a man who worked for the Post Office

… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.

## Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may

## Whats ET short for

It’s because his legs are little

## A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

## Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

## What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?

They both give children serial numbers.

## A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

## Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

## A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

## I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked

I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived

## Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.

If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

## Baby Yoda’s first word

Probably came after his second word.

## Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender