Here’s some advice for all men

One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

Nothing, they're already stuffed…

You boil the hell out of it.

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I don't know what to make of it

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!

You’re under a vest!

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Mothers Against Dyslexia

… for breakfast.

A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."

Sue

If they’re pasta expiration date.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I would name the other one "DupliKate'

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't

(Tigger warning)

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

He was done for possession of coke.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harity. W‌‌ouldn't y‌‌ou l‌‌ike t‌‌o g‌‌ive s‌‌omething b‌‌ack t‌‌o y‌‌our c‌‌ommunity?" The l‌‌awyer t‌‌hinks f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌First, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y m‌‌other i‌‌s d‌‌ying a‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌ainful i‌‌llness, a‌‌nd s‌‌he h‌‌as h‌‌uge m‌‌edical b‌‌ills t‌‌hat a‌‌re f‌‌ar b‌‌eyond h‌‌er a‌‌bility t‌‌o p‌‌ay?" Embarrassed, t‌‌he r‌‌ep m‌‌umbles, "‌‌Uh… N‌‌o, I‌‌ d‌‌idn't k‌‌now t‌‌hat." "Secondly," s‌‌ays t‌‌he l‌‌awyer, "‌‌did i‌‌t s‌‌how t‌‌hat m‌‌y b‌‌rother, a‌‌ d‌‌isabled V‌‌eteran, i‌‌s b‌‌lind a‌‌nd c‌‌onfined t‌‌o a‌‌ w‌‌heelchair a‌‌nd i‌‌s u‌‌nable t‌‌o s‌‌upport h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌nd s‌‌ix c‌‌hildren?" The s‌‌tricken r‌‌ep b‌‌egins t‌‌o s‌‌tammer a‌‌n a‌‌pology, b‌‌ut i‌‌s c‌‌ut o‌‌ff a‌‌gain. "Thirdly, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y s‌‌ister's h‌‌usband d‌‌ied i‌‌n a‌‌ d‌‌readful c‌‌ar a‌‌ccident, l‌‌eaving h‌‌er p‌‌enniless w‌‌ith a‌‌ m‌‌ortgage a‌‌nd t‌‌hree c‌‌hildren, o‌‌ne o‌‌f w‌‌hom i‌‌s d‌‌isabled a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌hat h‌‌as l‌‌earning d‌‌isabilities r‌‌equiring a‌‌n a‌‌rray o‌‌f p‌‌rivate t‌‌utors?" The h‌‌umiliated r‌‌ep, c‌‌ompletely b‌‌eaten, s‌‌ays, "‌‌I'm s‌‌o s‌‌orry. I‌‌ h‌‌ad n‌‌o i‌‌dea." And t‌‌he l‌‌awyer s‌‌ays, "‌‌So, i‌‌f I‌‌ d‌‌idn't g‌‌ive a‌‌ny m‌‌oney t‌‌o t‌‌hem, w‌‌hat m‌‌akes y‌‌ou t‌‌hink I‌‌'d g‌‌ive a‌‌ny t‌‌o y‌‌ou?"

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket