“Heroes”
A pun walks in and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!' An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
My friend is obsessed with monorails.
He truly has a one track mind.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.