He’s #1!
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living
And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.