He’s a menace!
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
In Alabama, we don’t do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
![[NSFW] Even Pinocchio knows Epstein didn’t do it](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/almbp0fouzw31-400x381.jpg)
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
A man walks into a bar…
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls. He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this." There is dead silence in the bar, when suddenly a hand goes up in the back. A blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."