He’s admitting to the toxins!
It writes other words too.
Schwepped her off her feet
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
should have handled that better.
but it's literally 50%
Now I'm feeling a little down.
With animals in his heart.
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A laughing stock
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
You're not alone.
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
I'd have to change my name
This is as close as I could get though.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all