He’s an honest guy, I support him, I understand him.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I never say curse words
I swear
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
20 canibals started working in an IT company
After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. "No sir" says the head canibal. "OK" says the boss and leaves them be. "Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!" "I did!" one of them admits. "You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Why did the train go to the sauna?
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig, he digs, she digs,
It’s not a beautiful poem but it is deep
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I like jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."