He’s got a point
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Germans when it comes to driving
Germans when it comes to driving
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
It seems I may have made a mistake here…
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.
He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…